cycles

my days seem to play out in cycles.

i wake up. i am content. i go to school a little less than content, but alright nonetheless. i get more excited as school goes on, depending on what happens. i begin to get very happy on my walk home, seeing that i am done with classes for the day. i get home usually in a good mood. that mood begins to fade as the evening goes on. for whatever reason, i am not sure. but it never fails. my good mood leaves me. as it gets later and later i start to get more excited for that is when i usually talk to wiley. finally i talk to him, but then my mood begins to change again since i can barely ever talk to wiley because of connection problems somewhere along the line, it never fails to have a problem somehow. but, if i have a successfull conversation with wiley, then i am extremely happy, cannot stop smiling and go to sleep happy. lately though the texts havent gotten through, and the calls have been choppy and unaudible. then i begin to get depressed, angry, upset, you name it. every so often it gets as far as tears, then i just cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning content and start the cycle over again.
this is not the kind of life i want. its horrible. i used to be happy all the time, even when i didnt have much of a reason to be happy at all. i could find the good in things. but now, it seems like the only thing i want to do, and the only thing that can make me happy, i cant do! i just want to talk to wiley. just hearing his voice makes my day so much better.
i pray. i pray everyday while im walking to school. i pray every night for God to take away my sadness and pain.
i have my good spurts where i am happy for a while, and everything seems fine, and i accept the fact im in london and i know its only for a short while. i had thought i could go back to america soon, in october. i found an amazingly cheap plane ticket that fit perfectly into my schedule. i thought my breaks where different but now i dont think they are so i looked for another plane ticket and they were way more expensive and i couldnt even get a flight back to london in time. i wanted to be back for wileys graduation and i thought i ended school may 15. but it looks like i dont end till the end of may.. so i would miss his graduation. and we were supposed to get a phone line with free calling to the US anytime of day, but now that will take even longer than we thought. its so depressing. i dont want to tell wiley all of this yet because i dont want to upset him.. he still thinks im coming in october a week earlier, and that i can be there for his graduation. i dont know how to tell him i might not. it looks like i may not even be able to come in october if the plane tickets are so much more expensive and the schedules clash..
soon, im sure something good will happen.. ill talk to wiley for a while and be happy.. we'll get the phone line.. something. and ill be happy for a while, and i cant wait for that! i try to look forward to it and know it will come. but then i just go back into depression...
i want to get out of this cycle. but i dont know how.

11:31pm
--i think i refuse to accept that i can still be happy. i am just wallowing in this depression. even though i am willing to do whatever i can to get out of the pain.
why not?