This past year has been incredibly hard on me. 

and it is finally coming to an end. 

I am starting a new chapter: college.

for this, I am excited. 

I know it won't be completely unstressful and perfect, but I am ready to have goals again. I am ready to try for something I actually want. I am ready to start over fresh and new. I will be on my own, and I think I am ready for that. I want to do things for myself and take care of myself. 

"You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you will be the guy who'll decide where you'll go."

breathe.

I just need a break. I need to get away. 

I want to start college now and just get on with life. I want to learn about art, not science crap. 

I want to get away from everything and take time to lay out under the stars.

I want to breathe.

I want to find my purpose, and fulfill it. I want to learn how to do what I do best.

New.

I want to start over new. 

I want to forget everything.

I want a new beginning.

new slate.

new places.

new faces.

new things.

new goals.

new projects.

new thoughts.

new memories.

new reasons.

new purpose.

I'm sick of what I have now. I'm sick of this pain. I don't want it in me anymore. I want to forget everything that caused it. I want to leave. I want to let go.

I'm tired of humans. I'm tired of letting people down. I'm tired of not living up to others standards, and my own standards.

I finally let someone in and they screw me over. They tell me they want to know everything I'm going through and be there to help me, but they break me and leave me feeling like an idiot still venting to them. 

I need people. I've never felt that need before. I need someone to talk to. I want someone to take time to have a simple conversation with me. I need someone to show me they care, someone to show me I am important to them. I thought I was secure, but I am so insecure. 

I'm finding out who I am, and I don't like it. I am so more insecure than I thought. I'm not as mature as I thought. I don't know how to handle things. I constantly screw things up. I think I know what to do, then after I do it, things are worse than before and I don't feel any better.

I have a friend who is going through the same thing but they're so far away I still feel disconnected. 

I trusted God. I need to trust Him again. I don't know how I got there before, it all just clicked. I want that again. I don't trust God now. Its so hard to honestly. 

I want to cry. I want a hug. I want someone there. I want something tangible. 

//

I hate what he did! He had me open up, and left me. Now I'm stuck wanting someone to know what I'm going through but I'm too stuck up to ask for help because I feel like I'm being weak and helpless. I'm stuck feeling like an idiot because I wait for people to ask me how I am, yet I don't tell them and say "I'm fine." when I'm screaming inside "I'm hurting! I'm in pain! This is what's happening to me! Please help me!"

He got me to trust him and then let me down. He forced me to tell him everything. I gave in. I gave up to him. I let him know my feelings. I was vulnerable and he hurt me. He left me. He let go. He hurt me.

Oh Great God.

i am so sick of hurting.

i am so sick of being selfish and making everything about me. im tired of trying to run peoples lives. im tired of getting lied to. im tired of this pain. i just want it to go away. 

"Oh Great God. Be small enough to hear me now."