im starting to think i would have been better off in indiana.
london seemed to be the perfect fit a little while ago. i could get two years in one, and be at acu with katelyn and nathan, and possibly wiley. i would be here and out in no time and back in the states at a wonderful college with my siblings and boyfriend.
now my sister is pregnant and getting married. shes dropping out of school. wiley has chosen to stay home for atleast a year and go to IUPUI. nathan may or may not be at abilene, no one really knows, hes so hard to get a hold of.
i probably cant go back to indiana in october cause of the high plane prices. atleast ill go back to wv in december.. and dad bought us tickets to fly to dallas in august!! what the heck?! ill have a month and a half with flippen nothing to do in stupid england! when i could be spending precious time, that i havent had since a year ago, with my boyfriend in indiana!!
what in the world?! ill see wiley in december for about a week. and if its even possible with the plane prices, maybe around april for two weeks. then im england till i fly to dallas for college in august!! and he'll be in indiana... ill be in texas. i wont see him! not until we could visit each other, but even at that we have to get settled into college first before we could think about roadtripping across the US.
im in so much pain. i cant stand being away from him anymore...
i would have rather stayed in indiana, gone to GCA my last two years, he would have gone to IUPUI and we would be in the same state still my senior year, then i would go to ACU, katelyn wouldnt be there anyway with her kid, and nathan would have graduated by then even if he did decide to go. and wiley might have come with me after we had been a year apart in different colleges.
london is horrible. i cant stand it. i want to be home so badly. i just want to be with wiley and just lay in his arms.
oh my gosh. why does it have to fall apart like this?!
September 28, 2008
September 11, 2008
cycles
my days seem to play out in cycles.
i wake up. i am content. i go to school a little less than content, but alright nonetheless. i get more excited as school goes on, depending on what happens. i begin to get very happy on my walk home, seeing that i am done with classes for the day. i get home usually in a good mood. that mood begins to fade as the evening goes on. for whatever reason, i am not sure. but it never fails. my good mood leaves me. as it gets later and later i start to get more excited for that is when i usually talk to wiley. finally i talk to him, but then my mood begins to change again since i can barely ever talk to wiley because of connection problems somewhere along the line, it never fails to have a problem somehow. but, if i have a successfull conversation with wiley, then i am extremely happy, cannot stop smiling and go to sleep happy. lately though the texts havent gotten through, and the calls have been choppy and unaudible. then i begin to get depressed, angry, upset, you name it. every so often it gets as far as tears, then i just cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning content and start the cycle over again.
this is not the kind of life i want. its horrible. i used to be happy all the time, even when i didnt have much of a reason to be happy at all. i could find the good in things. but now, it seems like the only thing i want to do, and the only thing that can make me happy, i cant do! i just want to talk to wiley. just hearing his voice makes my day so much better.
i pray. i pray everyday while im walking to school. i pray every night for God to take away my sadness and pain.
i have my good spurts where i am happy for a while, and everything seems fine, and i accept the fact im in london and i know its only for a short while. i had thought i could go back to america soon, in october. i found an amazingly cheap plane ticket that fit perfectly into my schedule. i thought my breaks where different but now i dont think they are so i looked for another plane ticket and they were way more expensive and i couldnt even get a flight back to london in time. i wanted to be back for wileys graduation and i thought i ended school may 15. but it looks like i dont end till the end of may.. so i would miss his graduation. and we were supposed to get a phone line with free calling to the US anytime of day, but now that will take even longer than we thought. its so depressing. i dont want to tell wiley all of this yet because i dont want to upset him.. he still thinks im coming in october a week earlier, and that i can be there for his graduation. i dont know how to tell him i might not. it looks like i may not even be able to come in october if the plane tickets are so much more expensive and the schedules clash..
soon, im sure something good will happen.. ill talk to wiley for a while and be happy.. we'll get the phone line.. something. and ill be happy for a while, and i cant wait for that! i try to look forward to it and know it will come. but then i just go back into depression...
i want to get out of this cycle. but i dont know how.
11:31pm
--i think i refuse to accept that i can still be happy. i am just wallowing in this depression. even though i am willing to do whatever i can to get out of the pain.
why not?
i wake up. i am content. i go to school a little less than content, but alright nonetheless. i get more excited as school goes on, depending on what happens. i begin to get very happy on my walk home, seeing that i am done with classes for the day. i get home usually in a good mood. that mood begins to fade as the evening goes on. for whatever reason, i am not sure. but it never fails. my good mood leaves me. as it gets later and later i start to get more excited for that is when i usually talk to wiley. finally i talk to him, but then my mood begins to change again since i can barely ever talk to wiley because of connection problems somewhere along the line, it never fails to have a problem somehow. but, if i have a successfull conversation with wiley, then i am extremely happy, cannot stop smiling and go to sleep happy. lately though the texts havent gotten through, and the calls have been choppy and unaudible. then i begin to get depressed, angry, upset, you name it. every so often it gets as far as tears, then i just cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning content and start the cycle over again.
this is not the kind of life i want. its horrible. i used to be happy all the time, even when i didnt have much of a reason to be happy at all. i could find the good in things. but now, it seems like the only thing i want to do, and the only thing that can make me happy, i cant do! i just want to talk to wiley. just hearing his voice makes my day so much better.
i pray. i pray everyday while im walking to school. i pray every night for God to take away my sadness and pain.
i have my good spurts where i am happy for a while, and everything seems fine, and i accept the fact im in london and i know its only for a short while. i had thought i could go back to america soon, in october. i found an amazingly cheap plane ticket that fit perfectly into my schedule. i thought my breaks where different but now i dont think they are so i looked for another plane ticket and they were way more expensive and i couldnt even get a flight back to london in time. i wanted to be back for wileys graduation and i thought i ended school may 15. but it looks like i dont end till the end of may.. so i would miss his graduation. and we were supposed to get a phone line with free calling to the US anytime of day, but now that will take even longer than we thought. its so depressing. i dont want to tell wiley all of this yet because i dont want to upset him.. he still thinks im coming in october a week earlier, and that i can be there for his graduation. i dont know how to tell him i might not. it looks like i may not even be able to come in october if the plane tickets are so much more expensive and the schedules clash..
soon, im sure something good will happen.. ill talk to wiley for a while and be happy.. we'll get the phone line.. something. and ill be happy for a while, and i cant wait for that! i try to look forward to it and know it will come. but then i just go back into depression...
i want to get out of this cycle. but i dont know how.
11:31pm
--i think i refuse to accept that i can still be happy. i am just wallowing in this depression. even though i am willing to do whatever i can to get out of the pain.
why not?
September 10, 2008
mess
its not home.
i came downstairs and something familiar filled my nose. moms cooking. it smelled like home, but here felt the complete opposite. there are moments while im sitting on my bed that i hear a sound outside and i feel as though i am home, back in my old house with a gorgeous back yard, huge skies and sunny weather. i think for a moment, " oh i just love it here--" but before i can finish my thought i am hastely brought back to reality. my heart sinks as i realize i am not in my home, i am only here.
here is london. gloomy old london. i feel like i do not belong here. school is fine, the schedule and location is great which helps a lot. but the teachers seem to not genuinely care. the kids are not christians and i can tell. im tired of people cussing whenever they open their mouth.
i only enjoy church here, but when they sing, i feel like i cant sing along because i dont truely mean the words i am singing. i only joined in once after a marvelous speaker when i felt i couldnt hold it back and i had to sing!
this is NOT my home! i cant get over it. in the evenings it seems to get worse. i come home after school, slightly happy, but then it seems to go downhill from there. i have school the next day. i want to be at home. i miss my friends. school will be hard. tonight was the worst. i finally got a desk for my room. i was so excited! i put it together right after school, but as soon as i finished it i wasnt excited anymore. i was in a horrible mood. all i wanted to do was talk to wiley. i missed him terribly. i didnt understand why i couldnt be happy about my new desk i put together on my own!
i try to talk to friends. but it seems every way i try theres a problem. i can text for free on yahoo, but it restarts all the time and i dont recieve texts after that. facebook chat has worked horribly ever since i got here. i cannot text or call america from any cell phone/plan i could possibly get. to night we were supposed to get a landline phone that can call america for free anytime, but we cant until later now for some reason. that definitely made my night even worse.
my feelings. are a mess. like my life.
i came downstairs and something familiar filled my nose. moms cooking. it smelled like home, but here felt the complete opposite. there are moments while im sitting on my bed that i hear a sound outside and i feel as though i am home, back in my old house with a gorgeous back yard, huge skies and sunny weather. i think for a moment, " oh i just love it here--" but before i can finish my thought i am hastely brought back to reality. my heart sinks as i realize i am not in my home, i am only here.
here is london. gloomy old london. i feel like i do not belong here. school is fine, the schedule and location is great which helps a lot. but the teachers seem to not genuinely care. the kids are not christians and i can tell. im tired of people cussing whenever they open their mouth.
i only enjoy church here, but when they sing, i feel like i cant sing along because i dont truely mean the words i am singing. i only joined in once after a marvelous speaker when i felt i couldnt hold it back and i had to sing!
this is NOT my home! i cant get over it. in the evenings it seems to get worse. i come home after school, slightly happy, but then it seems to go downhill from there. i have school the next day. i want to be at home. i miss my friends. school will be hard. tonight was the worst. i finally got a desk for my room. i was so excited! i put it together right after school, but as soon as i finished it i wasnt excited anymore. i was in a horrible mood. all i wanted to do was talk to wiley. i missed him terribly. i didnt understand why i couldnt be happy about my new desk i put together on my own!
i try to talk to friends. but it seems every way i try theres a problem. i can text for free on yahoo, but it restarts all the time and i dont recieve texts after that. facebook chat has worked horribly ever since i got here. i cannot text or call america from any cell phone/plan i could possibly get. to night we were supposed to get a landline phone that can call america for free anytime, but we cant until later now for some reason. that definitely made my night even worse.
my feelings. are a mess. like my life.
September 5, 2008
home
im ready to come home!
i cant stand it anymore. ive been in london for 41 days now. 6 weeks. a little more than a month. i want to be home. im tired of not being with my friends. im sick of being away from my boyfriend. i want nothing more than to just be in his arms right now and feel the warmth of his body against mine. i want to be back at gca with the great teachers who actually care, and the kids who are nice and friendly. i went to my new schools induction. sure the teachers were nice, it just didnt seem like they genuinely cared. with the kids, it was like every man for himself and stay away from confrontation as much as possible. yes. its a public school. i know. i have no desire to be with the group of kids i will be in my classes with. not that i am better than them. but last year they chose to goof off which is why they are in these classes. im only here because of the difference in schools. i choose differently than they do. i dont want to hang around them and let my standards be lowered. i will be truely content if i just went to school, came home, studied, and left. with no friends theres no distractions here, which would make my grade better. i am perfectly fine with that. i have always done fine on my own. ive never chosen to be like that, but if i am in a situation where i am by myself i can do just fine. it doesnt bother me. and ive always had friends though, which is wonderful because all my friends are amazing, godly, and christian kids. they are who i choose to surround myself with. and now im choosing to focus on my school work, not making friends. that doesnt bother me. some people cant do without friends. i can. i still have friends in america, of course. but im saying, unless they are godly kids, i dont need friends at school here. i see them as distractions. i want to get a good grade on my ACT. i want to go to abilene.
another thing here is, its london. ive never really had a desire to be in london. sure, its neat. the whole europe thing, but ive never wanted to come here actually. big ben, ifle tower and so on.. they dont seem that interesting to me. its neat to get to seem them but like i said they just dont interest me. every weekend we go sight seeing. honestly i could care less. mom and dad ask me where i want to go, and i say i dont care, because i dont! i know we are in london and we should see all this stuff, but i have no desire to! if we were in austraila or new zealand, the places i actually would want to be other than america, then yes, i would love to go sight seeing and go out somewhere every weekend.. but not here.
and our money problems. it makes me sick. because the only things i actually want to do are so expensive! all i want it just to go back to america. ive planned two times. in october, and in april. but the plane tickets are expensive! but its the only thing i could possibly want right now!! and i feel horrible because we just arent in a great situation with money right now.. but i cant stand not going back. ive been doing alright lately with being here but these past few days i am just sick of it again. i miss home. my parents are trying to help me by getting me stuff to make my room nicer, but i dont care.. id rather use that money to use on a plane ticket. i feel bad because they just want me to be happier, but it seems the only way i could be happier is if i go home. i dont want them to waste money on something i dont really want. and i feel bad asking about going home because it is so expensive but i cant stand staying here so long.
i dont know what to do. i pray. it helps.
but i miss home..
i cant stand it anymore. ive been in london for 41 days now. 6 weeks. a little more than a month. i want to be home. im tired of not being with my friends. im sick of being away from my boyfriend. i want nothing more than to just be in his arms right now and feel the warmth of his body against mine. i want to be back at gca with the great teachers who actually care, and the kids who are nice and friendly. i went to my new schools induction. sure the teachers were nice, it just didnt seem like they genuinely cared. with the kids, it was like every man for himself and stay away from confrontation as much as possible. yes. its a public school. i know. i have no desire to be with the group of kids i will be in my classes with. not that i am better than them. but last year they chose to goof off which is why they are in these classes. im only here because of the difference in schools. i choose differently than they do. i dont want to hang around them and let my standards be lowered. i will be truely content if i just went to school, came home, studied, and left. with no friends theres no distractions here, which would make my grade better. i am perfectly fine with that. i have always done fine on my own. ive never chosen to be like that, but if i am in a situation where i am by myself i can do just fine. it doesnt bother me. and ive always had friends though, which is wonderful because all my friends are amazing, godly, and christian kids. they are who i choose to surround myself with. and now im choosing to focus on my school work, not making friends. that doesnt bother me. some people cant do without friends. i can. i still have friends in america, of course. but im saying, unless they are godly kids, i dont need friends at school here. i see them as distractions. i want to get a good grade on my ACT. i want to go to abilene.
another thing here is, its london. ive never really had a desire to be in london. sure, its neat. the whole europe thing, but ive never wanted to come here actually. big ben, ifle tower and so on.. they dont seem that interesting to me. its neat to get to seem them but like i said they just dont interest me. every weekend we go sight seeing. honestly i could care less. mom and dad ask me where i want to go, and i say i dont care, because i dont! i know we are in london and we should see all this stuff, but i have no desire to! if we were in austraila or new zealand, the places i actually would want to be other than america, then yes, i would love to go sight seeing and go out somewhere every weekend.. but not here.
and our money problems. it makes me sick. because the only things i actually want to do are so expensive! all i want it just to go back to america. ive planned two times. in october, and in april. but the plane tickets are expensive! but its the only thing i could possibly want right now!! and i feel horrible because we just arent in a great situation with money right now.. but i cant stand not going back. ive been doing alright lately with being here but these past few days i am just sick of it again. i miss home. my parents are trying to help me by getting me stuff to make my room nicer, but i dont care.. id rather use that money to use on a plane ticket. i feel bad because they just want me to be happier, but it seems the only way i could be happier is if i go home. i dont want them to waste money on something i dont really want. and i feel bad asking about going home because it is so expensive but i cant stand staying here so long.
i dont know what to do. i pray. it helps.
but i miss home..
September 3, 2008
blahblahblahblah
i am so nervous.
tomorrow morning i walk to ealing college, my new school, to get inducted for all my classes. i start school on monday. im going alone. i know no one. im in a different country. im so scared! it takes about 30 min. to walk to school. i just dont know what to expect. its practically a public school.. ive never been to a public school. i just want to get in, do my work, do good, and get out and go home!! i just want this to be over with. :( im scared of the kids there. girls scare me. they're mean. i know ill make friends. but id rather just do my work and be done. im not looking for any deep relationships cause ill be gone by next summer anyway. i know all this will help me with college, ill be on my own and stuff. but im still so nervous. im doing a program with kids whove failed.. i dont know what kind of crowd that will put me in. i want to visit home as much as possible, but mom always hints i cant because its so expensive. ive only planned to go back twice! and even at that she still says "well you dont know that!" I WANT TO BE HOME! just 2 round-trip plane tickets! i dont care if i dont buy anything else for the rest of the year, i just want to go home... it just makes me so upset when im told i cant go home...
tomorrow morning i walk to ealing college, my new school, to get inducted for all my classes. i start school on monday. im going alone. i know no one. im in a different country. im so scared! it takes about 30 min. to walk to school. i just dont know what to expect. its practically a public school.. ive never been to a public school. i just want to get in, do my work, do good, and get out and go home!! i just want this to be over with. :( im scared of the kids there. girls scare me. they're mean. i know ill make friends. but id rather just do my work and be done. im not looking for any deep relationships cause ill be gone by next summer anyway. i know all this will help me with college, ill be on my own and stuff. but im still so nervous. im doing a program with kids whove failed.. i dont know what kind of crowd that will put me in. i want to visit home as much as possible, but mom always hints i cant because its so expensive. ive only planned to go back twice! and even at that she still says "well you dont know that!" I WANT TO BE HOME! just 2 round-trip plane tickets! i dont care if i dont buy anything else for the rest of the year, i just want to go home... it just makes me so upset when im told i cant go home...
September 1, 2008
college
col·lege–n | 1. | an institution of higher learning, esp. one providing a general or liberal arts education rather than technical or professional training. |
| 2. | a constituent unit of a university, furnishing courses of instruction in the liberal arts and sciences, usually leading to a bachelor's degree. |
| 3. | an institution for vocational, technical, or professional instruction, as in medicine, pharmacy, agriculture, or music, often a part of a university. |
| 4. | an endowed, self-governing association of scholars incorporated within a university, as at the universities of Oxford and Cambridge in England. |
| 5. | a similar corporation outside a university. |
| 6. | the building or buildings occupied by an institution of higher education. |
| 7. | the administrators, faculty, and students of a college. |
| 8. | (in Britain and Canada) a private secondary school. |
So next monday i start college.
well atleast thats what they call it in london. here is my current school situation. in london their highschool lasts till 10th grade. then they take their GCSE to get into college, which is for two years before you go to university. we didnt know that. we thought that college was equal to our 11th and 12th grades. evidently not. we were led to believe that till we applied at ealing college. there they asked for my highschool diploma. of course, i didnt have one. they wondered why and we showed them my grades were all A's and B's. "Oh. those are good." they said. but i still would need a diploma to be educated enough to do their AS/AS2 levels. (which is their college) so.. back to highschool? no, i cant do that because my grades are too good. what now? im stuck in the middle. go back to highschool and i repeat stuff i dont need or go to college where i cant even compare. luckily there was a GCSE resit program. where kids who didnt do well enough on their GCSE could redo a year of studying to get into college. they had two programs. one was science, and had biology, chemistry, physics, english, math, and ICT. the other was medai, and had humanities, media, photography, english, math, and something else i forget. i would like to get into art things, but since i am pretty much losing my junior year which ironicly is the most important year in highschool, i needed things to help me into college more than what i would like to get into. (since i can go into more artsy things in college back in america) my original plan anyway had been to go here for a year and then take my ACT and skip my senior year to go to college at ACU with my sister. so since i want into college and most the since i need are science related since i had all my history, i decided to go for the science GCSE. i had to test to see if i was ready to take the courses. now, chemistry i had last year.. i havent had biology because of the difference in school from WCCS and GCA and i would have taken physics this year if i had stayed at GCA. i had already taken the english and math tests and they said i did just wonderfully on both of them. now i had to test on two sciences i had never had before and one that i had had before, but was very hard either way. i took the tests and they came back and said i had passed. whew! i just took tests on two subjects i had never had before and PASSED! oh my. amazing. so im pretty sure God was working through all of this. :) not a doubt in my mind. since this course is only a one year thing then its pretty much mapped out ill be going to college next year. of course i still have to do good on my ACT and have ACU accept me. but im pretty sure if God made this london school work out, and he wants me to be at ACU, then ill do good and get accepted.
anyway. im going to college. how crazy? im stinkin nervous. therell be tons of kids there. i just dont know what to expect. but im sure ill do fine. i have a week break in october, which i plan to come back to indiana for. then i have a two week break in december and the browns will come over to england for christmas hopefully. i have a week break in february which i will probably just stay here for, then a two week break in april when i want to go back to indiana and maybe if the dates are right go to prom with wiley. :) but after that i only have two days off till july 3rd... crazy. but ill come back after july 3rd and probably leave for abilene around the 15 or 16 of august. whew! crazy. sadly im going to miss wileys graduation..
but hopefully this year will go fast and ill be home again.
there are moments when im in my room and i hear something outside and for a split second i feel like im back indiana again in our nice little house, but then i realize that im only in london.. an ocean away from my home.. i get so happy but the feeling is crushed.
i am doing much better about living here though. im getting used to it and ive accepted that i have to live here now. ive grown accostumed to it here. i still dont like it. i wont ever. i understand everything, that i have to stay here and i will make friends and will have a good time. i know all that. but i would rather be at home. i would rather be with the friends i already have. i know ill make friends, im not scared i wont. i will. but to only have then for a year? not even that much. thats hard. its almost pointless.. theyd be more like aquaintences. i want to visit home, but the lady said i shouldnt miss school. and anyway, with it being to expensive... its hard. i dont know. this is hard. but ill make it.
August 25, 2008
an understanding
un·der·stand·ing--n
i came to a realization today.
i think ive figured out why im in london.
my boyfriend talked to me after reading my last post. he said maybe, maybe, i was taking things for granted at home, and that God took me to london so i would appreciate all the things i have more than i had. and as i was talking to my best friend sarah, i realized.. thats it. ive taken for granted all my friendships. all my true friends. i didnt know how amazing they were until i couldnt be with them as often. i share all my problems with sarah and we have grown even closer than before. the same with other friends. i didnt really understand and appreciate all my wonderful friends until i needed them most, and they all showed up.
all that still doesnt make london a better place to live, or make me come home faster. but it definately does help me to know that through all this i will grow closer to my real friends. i will develope true strong friendships while im away from home.
im still not thrilled to live in london, and there will be days when i will break down and cry to come home. london never will be my home. and i will always long to be in america. but i know my friends are there for me. i always knew that, but i am confident that i can let them know and they will care.
| 1. | mental process of a person who comprehends; comprehension; personal interpretation |
| 2. | intellectual faculties; intelligence; mind |
| 3. | superior power of discernment; enlightened intelligence |
| 4. | knowledge of or familiarity with a particular thing |
i came to a realization today.
i think ive figured out why im in london.
my boyfriend talked to me after reading my last post. he said maybe, maybe, i was taking things for granted at home, and that God took me to london so i would appreciate all the things i have more than i had. and as i was talking to my best friend sarah, i realized.. thats it. ive taken for granted all my friendships. all my true friends. i didnt know how amazing they were until i couldnt be with them as often. i share all my problems with sarah and we have grown even closer than before. the same with other friends. i didnt really understand and appreciate all my wonderful friends until i needed them most, and they all showed up.
all that still doesnt make london a better place to live, or make me come home faster. but it definately does help me to know that through all this i will grow closer to my real friends. i will develope true strong friendships while im away from home.
im still not thrilled to live in london, and there will be days when i will break down and cry to come home. london never will be my home. and i will always long to be in america. but i know my friends are there for me. i always knew that, but i am confident that i can let them know and they will care.
August 23, 2008
metamorphosis
met.a.mor.pho.sis--n.
1. a complete change of form, structure, or substance.
2. any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.
3. a form resulting from any such change.
in all the years of my life i have moved a total of 4 times.
not much compared to others, i know. in fact, it might as well be 3 times, since the first time i was only one and cannot remember. either way, my first memorable move mom and dad called me and my sister into the kitchen (i do not remember where my brother was. out somewhere i suppose.) my parents looked quite serious. "sit down girls." they said. since being in 3rd grade and not having much of an attention span, i dont remember much of what happened. mom said dads job had changed in as he was driving more frequently two hours away to parkersburg. they explained that it would continue to be like that and it would be easier for us to live there. i dont think i fully understood what was happening until katelyn started sobbing. finally i got it. we were leaving my home town of bridgeport west virginia. the town i grew up in. the town where ashley our baby sitter would take us to the pool almost every day of summer. the school i loved so much. all my friends. my best friends kate katie lauren and bethany. our wonderful house we had built when i was one. the gorgeous yard and entertaining driveway. the fun-filled neighborhood. everything. i began to cry uncontrollably. my parents hugged us for a very long time. i had a hard time telling my friends i was leaving. it was only two hours away, but to a little 3rd grader who had never been farther away from home than a friends house a few minutes away, it seemed like a different planet.
we had been living in parkersburg/vienna since my 4th grade year. i had grown up in elementary building of wood county christian school and the belpre church of christ. i had many friends. when i became old enough i got involved in the youth group at church. i loved it. my school friends were my life. we had many adventures and fun times. i had told myself in 6th grade that it would be this forever. i would always live in parkersburg. i had planned to graduate from wccs. go to school at OVC (as it was called then) and probably marry eric grubbs who i had been dating for two years. this ideal future was torn in half when in the summer of 05, sarah curtis, my best friend, was moving to new york as a result of her parents divorce. this terrible event hit me hard. i thought it was impossible, how could she be leaving? it was unheard of! she was supposed to stay with me at school till we graduated, and even then still stay with me in parkersburg! she couldnt leave! i knew though that she was leaving and i would have to go to school with out her. i still had my other best friends, but school wasnt the same with out her. the very next summer my life fell apart again. it began when dad would come home angry and yelling. i would just sit quietly at the computer trying to be invisible as mom would talk to dad softly and try to calm him down. one day mom sat me down and explained dads partnership was falling apart and it was only a matter of time till a change in jobs would be happening. it never occurred to me then that we would leave the state i grew up in and loved. dad began looking for a job, and it became obvious that his change in job would force us to move elsewhere. London! what? No!! that choice was thrust aside. Indiana? that sounds good. not to me. i wanted to stay in west virginia with my friends and school and church! but this was impossible.
i had just finished my freshman year in high school. it was the summer after. i had cried myself to sleep many nights. that summer i missed camp. every weekend my mom and i would drive to indiana to stay with my dad and look for a house and a school for me. we found a school, but no house. finally, the day before my new school started we ended up moving into my dads one room, one bath apartment and hour away from my school. i slept on a twin air mattress in the living room of the apartment. this was the worst i thought. i left all my friends in west virginia 5 hours away. this was worse than 2 hours. that visit you could make in a day. but 5 hours, that was atleast a weekend visit. and free weekends for driving 10 hours dont happen very much. it was the second day of school and i loved it. i noticed a few cute guys, and a new girl, brittany, and i, automatically became inseparable. a few days later in art class a cute boy sat by me and we talked. my classes were messed up and i came into a study hall with him there. he and his friend began to talk with me in study hall everyday. i began to like him a lot. i became amazing friends with another new girl, sarah. we were so alike in many ways and she shared my extreme hyperness and random outbursts. we sort of clung to our history teacher mr. jackson and i think in a way he might have liked us too. :) this school was my dream school. good dress code, praise and worship band in chapel, amazing teachers, great kids. this wasnt turning out to be a horrible move after all. indiana was great, gorgeous HUGE skies, loads of cornfields, lovely weather. i actually started to like it. indiana was my new home and i loved it.
dads job again. he was having a horrible time. he found a way out of it. London again? "well, that would be cool wouldnt it?" i had thought. i mentioned that. now i wish i wouldnt have. when it was decided dad would work in london i broke down. leaving again? i just got used to indiana. we hadnt been there a year! how can we be leaving now?! i cried every single night. i kept it from my new friends as long as i could before i knew it was for sure. i told sarah one day. she was upset. i told meredith. she was upset also. i had began talking to wiley again. we started getting closer and even talked about dating. on the last week of school in our study hall mrs. smith called my to her desk and asked me if what she heard was correct, that i was moving to london. "yes", i replied. we were talking in a hushed tone, and i thought no one had heard. we were watching aladdin. i went back to the movie and sat down next to wiley who was laying on his stomach. his mood had seemed to change. he was quiet. finally he looked up at me, his face was sad. "youre moving?" he asked. i was shocked, "who told you that?" i asked. he said he had over heard when me and mrs. smith were talking. sadly i looked away and quietly said "yes." wes's head perked up, he was sitting on the other side of me. "where to? like down the street or something?" wiley asked. i was silent for a while until saying "...london." "LONDON?!" he burst out. "what?!" wes said, "allison!!?" they cried out. "when??" they asked. "....this summer..." i said. silence. i didnt know what to do. the rest of the week wiley was extremely depressed and stayed as close to me as possible. i felt horrible. the last day of school we decided to date. that was the happiest day of my life. after a short summer that wasnt even over, i found myself in an airport sitting with my boyfriend trying to be happy and not acknowledge what was really happening. our seats were called and we stood up. my face began to get hot and my eyes filled with tears. i looked down as i walked towards the entrance to the plane. i looked up at wiley, a few tears were slowly falling down his cheeks. my face was wet by now. i hugged him and gave him a short kiss. "ill miss you.." we said to each other. i turned and waved goodbye before i went down the hallway to the plane.
now i am in london. horrible london. a different country. an ocean away from my life, my friends, my home. i am not being pessimistic, london really is a horrid place to live. the only good thing seems to be walking everywhere, but even at that you get tired of walking. everything is small. im living in a two bedroom apartment of which we are paying rent as much as our indiana house was which had 3 bedrooms a basement and an actual backyard and space. the pound is twice as much as the dollar so everything is much more expensive. we do not have a dryer, we had to buy a mircowave and a tv because they are counted as a luxury items and were not included in this supposedly "furnished" apartment. we are having money problems. we were having these problems even in indiana, (that i was not aware of until a few weeks before we moved.) dad had seen my upset status on facebook and sent me an email that had gone straight to the junk folder and i didnt read it until he mentioned it. he told me he was sorry for doing all this to me, and he told me we barely had enough money to be living in greenwood anyway, my parents were having to take from their retirement funds to keep me in school and keep us fed. now that we are in london dad is getting paid in pounds, but with the housing so expensive it doesnt seem to make our money problems go away. it is a huge ordeal just to get me into school here. at age 16 you are not required by law to go to school anymore. but to get into a college at home, i need my high school years. i can go to a sixth form school or a college here. sixth forms stopped taking new student last year, and are definitely NOT taking any more. the colleges are concerned whether or not they can take me because they do not know if GCA was accredited or not. which it was. i can get in, but they might not let me study at an A level, which is what i need for college at home.
i miss my home. i dont understand why God has put me in london. home is where the heart is and my heart is in indiana right now. my boyfriend is in indiana. my best friends are in new york and west virginia. i cant be with any of them. i worry. i worry my relationship with my boyfriend will fall apart. i worry i wont be able to do what i plan to by going to ACU in texas with my sister next year. i worry i wont get education to get a good enough grade to pass my ACT and get into ACU. the only thing i dont worry about is my best friends because i know they will do anything to keep in contact with me and listen to me and be there for me. everything else seems to be falling apart. i do not want to stay here 2 years. i want to be in america. i want to go to college, i am done with school. i want to be with my boyfriend and my best friends. i cant do any of this. i pray and beg God. i am alone. i just need comfort. i need to know why i am here.
i dont belong here. i belong in america. why is this happening?
1. a complete change of form, structure, or substance.
2. any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.
3. a form resulting from any such change.
in all the years of my life i have moved a total of 4 times.
not much compared to others, i know. in fact, it might as well be 3 times, since the first time i was only one and cannot remember. either way, my first memorable move mom and dad called me and my sister into the kitchen (i do not remember where my brother was. out somewhere i suppose.) my parents looked quite serious. "sit down girls." they said. since being in 3rd grade and not having much of an attention span, i dont remember much of what happened. mom said dads job had changed in as he was driving more frequently two hours away to parkersburg. they explained that it would continue to be like that and it would be easier for us to live there. i dont think i fully understood what was happening until katelyn started sobbing. finally i got it. we were leaving my home town of bridgeport west virginia. the town i grew up in. the town where ashley our baby sitter would take us to the pool almost every day of summer. the school i loved so much. all my friends. my best friends kate katie lauren and bethany. our wonderful house we had built when i was one. the gorgeous yard and entertaining driveway. the fun-filled neighborhood. everything. i began to cry uncontrollably. my parents hugged us for a very long time. i had a hard time telling my friends i was leaving. it was only two hours away, but to a little 3rd grader who had never been farther away from home than a friends house a few minutes away, it seemed like a different planet.
we had been living in parkersburg/vienna since my 4th grade year. i had grown up in elementary building of wood county christian school and the belpre church of christ. i had many friends. when i became old enough i got involved in the youth group at church. i loved it. my school friends were my life. we had many adventures and fun times. i had told myself in 6th grade that it would be this forever. i would always live in parkersburg. i had planned to graduate from wccs. go to school at OVC (as it was called then) and probably marry eric grubbs who i had been dating for two years. this ideal future was torn in half when in the summer of 05, sarah curtis, my best friend, was moving to new york as a result of her parents divorce. this terrible event hit me hard. i thought it was impossible, how could she be leaving? it was unheard of! she was supposed to stay with me at school till we graduated, and even then still stay with me in parkersburg! she couldnt leave! i knew though that she was leaving and i would have to go to school with out her. i still had my other best friends, but school wasnt the same with out her. the very next summer my life fell apart again. it began when dad would come home angry and yelling. i would just sit quietly at the computer trying to be invisible as mom would talk to dad softly and try to calm him down. one day mom sat me down and explained dads partnership was falling apart and it was only a matter of time till a change in jobs would be happening. it never occurred to me then that we would leave the state i grew up in and loved. dad began looking for a job, and it became obvious that his change in job would force us to move elsewhere. London! what? No!! that choice was thrust aside. Indiana? that sounds good. not to me. i wanted to stay in west virginia with my friends and school and church! but this was impossible.
i had just finished my freshman year in high school. it was the summer after. i had cried myself to sleep many nights. that summer i missed camp. every weekend my mom and i would drive to indiana to stay with my dad and look for a house and a school for me. we found a school, but no house. finally, the day before my new school started we ended up moving into my dads one room, one bath apartment and hour away from my school. i slept on a twin air mattress in the living room of the apartment. this was the worst i thought. i left all my friends in west virginia 5 hours away. this was worse than 2 hours. that visit you could make in a day. but 5 hours, that was atleast a weekend visit. and free weekends for driving 10 hours dont happen very much. it was the second day of school and i loved it. i noticed a few cute guys, and a new girl, brittany, and i, automatically became inseparable. a few days later in art class a cute boy sat by me and we talked. my classes were messed up and i came into a study hall with him there. he and his friend began to talk with me in study hall everyday. i began to like him a lot. i became amazing friends with another new girl, sarah. we were so alike in many ways and she shared my extreme hyperness and random outbursts. we sort of clung to our history teacher mr. jackson and i think in a way he might have liked us too. :) this school was my dream school. good dress code, praise and worship band in chapel, amazing teachers, great kids. this wasnt turning out to be a horrible move after all. indiana was great, gorgeous HUGE skies, loads of cornfields, lovely weather. i actually started to like it. indiana was my new home and i loved it.
dads job again. he was having a horrible time. he found a way out of it. London again? "well, that would be cool wouldnt it?" i had thought. i mentioned that. now i wish i wouldnt have. when it was decided dad would work in london i broke down. leaving again? i just got used to indiana. we hadnt been there a year! how can we be leaving now?! i cried every single night. i kept it from my new friends as long as i could before i knew it was for sure. i told sarah one day. she was upset. i told meredith. she was upset also. i had began talking to wiley again. we started getting closer and even talked about dating. on the last week of school in our study hall mrs. smith called my to her desk and asked me if what she heard was correct, that i was moving to london. "yes", i replied. we were talking in a hushed tone, and i thought no one had heard. we were watching aladdin. i went back to the movie and sat down next to wiley who was laying on his stomach. his mood had seemed to change. he was quiet. finally he looked up at me, his face was sad. "youre moving?" he asked. i was shocked, "who told you that?" i asked. he said he had over heard when me and mrs. smith were talking. sadly i looked away and quietly said "yes." wes's head perked up, he was sitting on the other side of me. "where to? like down the street or something?" wiley asked. i was silent for a while until saying "...london." "LONDON?!" he burst out. "what?!" wes said, "allison!!?" they cried out. "when??" they asked. "....this summer..." i said. silence. i didnt know what to do. the rest of the week wiley was extremely depressed and stayed as close to me as possible. i felt horrible. the last day of school we decided to date. that was the happiest day of my life. after a short summer that wasnt even over, i found myself in an airport sitting with my boyfriend trying to be happy and not acknowledge what was really happening. our seats were called and we stood up. my face began to get hot and my eyes filled with tears. i looked down as i walked towards the entrance to the plane. i looked up at wiley, a few tears were slowly falling down his cheeks. my face was wet by now. i hugged him and gave him a short kiss. "ill miss you.." we said to each other. i turned and waved goodbye before i went down the hallway to the plane.
now i am in london. horrible london. a different country. an ocean away from my life, my friends, my home. i am not being pessimistic, london really is a horrid place to live. the only good thing seems to be walking everywhere, but even at that you get tired of walking. everything is small. im living in a two bedroom apartment of which we are paying rent as much as our indiana house was which had 3 bedrooms a basement and an actual backyard and space. the pound is twice as much as the dollar so everything is much more expensive. we do not have a dryer, we had to buy a mircowave and a tv because they are counted as a luxury items and were not included in this supposedly "furnished" apartment. we are having money problems. we were having these problems even in indiana, (that i was not aware of until a few weeks before we moved.) dad had seen my upset status on facebook and sent me an email that had gone straight to the junk folder and i didnt read it until he mentioned it. he told me he was sorry for doing all this to me, and he told me we barely had enough money to be living in greenwood anyway, my parents were having to take from their retirement funds to keep me in school and keep us fed. now that we are in london dad is getting paid in pounds, but with the housing so expensive it doesnt seem to make our money problems go away. it is a huge ordeal just to get me into school here. at age 16 you are not required by law to go to school anymore. but to get into a college at home, i need my high school years. i can go to a sixth form school or a college here. sixth forms stopped taking new student last year, and are definitely NOT taking any more. the colleges are concerned whether or not they can take me because they do not know if GCA was accredited or not. which it was. i can get in, but they might not let me study at an A level, which is what i need for college at home.
i miss my home. i dont understand why God has put me in london. home is where the heart is and my heart is in indiana right now. my boyfriend is in indiana. my best friends are in new york and west virginia. i cant be with any of them. i worry. i worry my relationship with my boyfriend will fall apart. i worry i wont be able to do what i plan to by going to ACU in texas with my sister next year. i worry i wont get education to get a good enough grade to pass my ACT and get into ACU. the only thing i dont worry about is my best friends because i know they will do anything to keep in contact with me and listen to me and be there for me. everything else seems to be falling apart. i do not want to stay here 2 years. i want to be in america. i want to go to college, i am done with school. i want to be with my boyfriend and my best friends. i cant do any of this. i pray and beg God. i am alone. i just need comfort. i need to know why i am here.
i dont belong here. i belong in america. why is this happening?
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