This past year has been incredibly hard on me. 

and it is finally coming to an end. 

I am starting a new chapter: college.

for this, I am excited. 

I know it won't be completely unstressful and perfect, but I am ready to have goals again. I am ready to try for something I actually want. I am ready to start over fresh and new. I will be on my own, and I think I am ready for that. I want to do things for myself and take care of myself. 

"You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you will be the guy who'll decide where you'll go."

breathe.

I just need a break. I need to get away. 

I want to start college now and just get on with life. I want to learn about art, not science crap. 

I want to get away from everything and take time to lay out under the stars.

I want to breathe.

I want to find my purpose, and fulfill it. I want to learn how to do what I do best.

New.

I want to start over new. 

I want to forget everything.

I want a new beginning.

new slate.

new places.

new faces.

new things.

new goals.

new projects.

new thoughts.

new memories.

new reasons.

new purpose.

I'm sick of what I have now. I'm sick of this pain. I don't want it in me anymore. I want to forget everything that caused it. I want to leave. I want to let go.

I'm tired of humans. I'm tired of letting people down. I'm tired of not living up to others standards, and my own standards.

I finally let someone in and they screw me over. They tell me they want to know everything I'm going through and be there to help me, but they break me and leave me feeling like an idiot still venting to them. 

I need people. I've never felt that need before. I need someone to talk to. I want someone to take time to have a simple conversation with me. I need someone to show me they care, someone to show me I am important to them. I thought I was secure, but I am so insecure. 

I'm finding out who I am, and I don't like it. I am so more insecure than I thought. I'm not as mature as I thought. I don't know how to handle things. I constantly screw things up. I think I know what to do, then after I do it, things are worse than before and I don't feel any better.

I have a friend who is going through the same thing but they're so far away I still feel disconnected. 

I trusted God. I need to trust Him again. I don't know how I got there before, it all just clicked. I want that again. I don't trust God now. Its so hard to honestly. 

I want to cry. I want a hug. I want someone there. I want something tangible. 

//

I hate what he did! He had me open up, and left me. Now I'm stuck wanting someone to know what I'm going through but I'm too stuck up to ask for help because I feel like I'm being weak and helpless. I'm stuck feeling like an idiot because I wait for people to ask me how I am, yet I don't tell them and say "I'm fine." when I'm screaming inside "I'm hurting! I'm in pain! This is what's happening to me! Please help me!"

He got me to trust him and then let me down. He forced me to tell him everything. I gave in. I gave up to him. I let him know my feelings. I was vulnerable and he hurt me. He left me. He let go. He hurt me.

Oh Great God.

i am so sick of hurting.

i am so sick of being selfish and making everything about me. im tired of trying to run peoples lives. im tired of getting lied to. im tired of this pain. i just want it to go away. 

"Oh Great God. Be small enough to hear me now."

why?

im starting to think i would have been better off in indiana.

london seemed to be the perfect fit a little while ago. i could get two years in one, and be at acu with katelyn and nathan, and possibly wiley. i would be here and out in no time and back in the states at a wonderful college with my siblings and boyfriend.
now my sister is pregnant and getting married. shes dropping out of school. wiley has chosen to stay home for atleast a year and go to IUPUI. nathan may or may not be at abilene, no one really knows, hes so hard to get a hold of.
i probably cant go back to indiana in october cause of the high plane prices. atleast ill go back to wv in december.. and dad bought us tickets to fly to dallas in august!! what the heck?! ill have a month and a half with flippen nothing to do in stupid england! when i could be spending precious time, that i havent had since a year ago, with my boyfriend in indiana!!
what in the world?! ill see wiley in december for about a week. and if its even possible with the plane prices, maybe around april for two weeks. then im england till i fly to dallas for college in august!! and he'll be in indiana... ill be in texas. i wont see him! not until we could visit each other, but even at that we have to get settled into college first before we could think about roadtripping across the US.
im in so much pain. i cant stand being away from him anymore...
i would have rather stayed in indiana, gone to GCA my last two years, he would have gone to IUPUI and we would be in the same state still my senior year, then i would go to ACU, katelyn wouldnt be there anyway with her kid, and nathan would have graduated by then even if he did decide to go. and wiley might have come with me after we had been a year apart in different colleges.
london is horrible. i cant stand it. i want to be home so badly. i just want to be with wiley and just lay in his arms.
oh my gosh. why does it have to fall apart like this?!

cycles

my days seem to play out in cycles.

i wake up. i am content. i go to school a little less than content, but alright nonetheless. i get more excited as school goes on, depending on what happens. i begin to get very happy on my walk home, seeing that i am done with classes for the day. i get home usually in a good mood. that mood begins to fade as the evening goes on. for whatever reason, i am not sure. but it never fails. my good mood leaves me. as it gets later and later i start to get more excited for that is when i usually talk to wiley. finally i talk to him, but then my mood begins to change again since i can barely ever talk to wiley because of connection problems somewhere along the line, it never fails to have a problem somehow. but, if i have a successfull conversation with wiley, then i am extremely happy, cannot stop smiling and go to sleep happy. lately though the texts havent gotten through, and the calls have been choppy and unaudible. then i begin to get depressed, angry, upset, you name it. every so often it gets as far as tears, then i just cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning content and start the cycle over again.
this is not the kind of life i want. its horrible. i used to be happy all the time, even when i didnt have much of a reason to be happy at all. i could find the good in things. but now, it seems like the only thing i want to do, and the only thing that can make me happy, i cant do! i just want to talk to wiley. just hearing his voice makes my day so much better.
i pray. i pray everyday while im walking to school. i pray every night for God to take away my sadness and pain.
i have my good spurts where i am happy for a while, and everything seems fine, and i accept the fact im in london and i know its only for a short while. i had thought i could go back to america soon, in october. i found an amazingly cheap plane ticket that fit perfectly into my schedule. i thought my breaks where different but now i dont think they are so i looked for another plane ticket and they were way more expensive and i couldnt even get a flight back to london in time. i wanted to be back for wileys graduation and i thought i ended school may 15. but it looks like i dont end till the end of may.. so i would miss his graduation. and we were supposed to get a phone line with free calling to the US anytime of day, but now that will take even longer than we thought. its so depressing. i dont want to tell wiley all of this yet because i dont want to upset him.. he still thinks im coming in october a week earlier, and that i can be there for his graduation. i dont know how to tell him i might not. it looks like i may not even be able to come in october if the plane tickets are so much more expensive and the schedules clash..
soon, im sure something good will happen.. ill talk to wiley for a while and be happy.. we'll get the phone line.. something. and ill be happy for a while, and i cant wait for that! i try to look forward to it and know it will come. but then i just go back into depression...
i want to get out of this cycle. but i dont know how.

11:31pm
--i think i refuse to accept that i can still be happy. i am just wallowing in this depression. even though i am willing to do whatever i can to get out of the pain.
why not?

mess

its not home.

i came downstairs and something familiar filled my nose. moms cooking. it smelled like home, but here felt the complete opposite. there are moments while im sitting on my bed that i hear a sound outside and i feel as though i am home, back in my old house with a gorgeous back yard, huge skies and sunny weather. i think for a moment, " oh i just love it here--" but before i can finish my thought i am hastely brought back to reality. my heart sinks as i realize i am not in my home, i am only here.
here is london. gloomy old london. i feel like i do not belong here. school is fine, the schedule and location is great which helps a lot. but the teachers seem to not genuinely care. the kids are not christians and i can tell. im tired of people cussing whenever they open their mouth.
i only enjoy church here, but when they sing, i feel like i cant sing along because i dont truely mean the words i am singing. i only joined in once after a marvelous speaker when i felt i couldnt hold it back and i had to sing!

this is NOT my home! i cant get over it. in the evenings it seems to get worse. i come home after school, slightly happy, but then it seems to go downhill from there. i have school the next day. i want to be at home. i miss my friends. school will be hard. tonight was the worst. i finally got a desk for my room. i was so excited! i put it together right after school, but as soon as i finished it i wasnt excited anymore. i was in a horrible mood. all i wanted to do was talk to wiley. i missed him terribly. i didnt understand why i couldnt be happy about my new desk i put together on my own!

i try to talk to friends. but it seems every way i try theres a problem. i can text for free on yahoo, but it restarts all the time and i dont recieve texts after that. facebook chat has worked horribly ever since i got here. i cannot text or call america from any cell phone/plan i could possibly get. to night we were supposed to get a landline phone that can call america for free anytime, but we cant until later now for some reason. that definitely made my night even worse.

my feelings. are a mess. like my life.