mess

its not home.

i came downstairs and something familiar filled my nose. moms cooking. it smelled like home, but here felt the complete opposite. there are moments while im sitting on my bed that i hear a sound outside and i feel as though i am home, back in my old house with a gorgeous back yard, huge skies and sunny weather. i think for a moment, " oh i just love it here--" but before i can finish my thought i am hastely brought back to reality. my heart sinks as i realize i am not in my home, i am only here.
here is london. gloomy old london. i feel like i do not belong here. school is fine, the schedule and location is great which helps a lot. but the teachers seem to not genuinely care. the kids are not christians and i can tell. im tired of people cussing whenever they open their mouth.
i only enjoy church here, but when they sing, i feel like i cant sing along because i dont truely mean the words i am singing. i only joined in once after a marvelous speaker when i felt i couldnt hold it back and i had to sing!

this is NOT my home! i cant get over it. in the evenings it seems to get worse. i come home after school, slightly happy, but then it seems to go downhill from there. i have school the next day. i want to be at home. i miss my friends. school will be hard. tonight was the worst. i finally got a desk for my room. i was so excited! i put it together right after school, but as soon as i finished it i wasnt excited anymore. i was in a horrible mood. all i wanted to do was talk to wiley. i missed him terribly. i didnt understand why i couldnt be happy about my new desk i put together on my own!

i try to talk to friends. but it seems every way i try theres a problem. i can text for free on yahoo, but it restarts all the time and i dont recieve texts after that. facebook chat has worked horribly ever since i got here. i cannot text or call america from any cell phone/plan i could possibly get. to night we were supposed to get a landline phone that can call america for free anytime, but we cant until later now for some reason. that definitely made my night even worse.

my feelings. are a mess. like my life.