i am so sick of being selfish and making everything about me. im tired of trying to run peoples lives. im tired of getting lied to. im tired of this pain. i just want it to go away.
"Oh Great God. Be small enough to hear me now."
May 2, 2009
September 28, 2008
why?
im starting to think i would have been better off in indiana.
london seemed to be the perfect fit a little while ago. i could get two years in one, and be at acu with katelyn and nathan, and possibly wiley. i would be here and out in no time and back in the states at a wonderful college with my siblings and boyfriend.
now my sister is pregnant and getting married. shes dropping out of school. wiley has chosen to stay home for atleast a year and go to IUPUI. nathan may or may not be at abilene, no one really knows, hes so hard to get a hold of.
i probably cant go back to indiana in october cause of the high plane prices. atleast ill go back to wv in december.. and dad bought us tickets to fly to dallas in august!! what the heck?! ill have a month and a half with flippen nothing to do in stupid england! when i could be spending precious time, that i havent had since a year ago, with my boyfriend in indiana!!
what in the world?! ill see wiley in december for about a week. and if its even possible with the plane prices, maybe around april for two weeks. then im england till i fly to dallas for college in august!! and he'll be in indiana... ill be in texas. i wont see him! not until we could visit each other, but even at that we have to get settled into college first before we could think about roadtripping across the US.
im in so much pain. i cant stand being away from him anymore...
i would have rather stayed in indiana, gone to GCA my last two years, he would have gone to IUPUI and we would be in the same state still my senior year, then i would go to ACU, katelyn wouldnt be there anyway with her kid, and nathan would have graduated by then even if he did decide to go. and wiley might have come with me after we had been a year apart in different colleges.
london is horrible. i cant stand it. i want to be home so badly. i just want to be with wiley and just lay in his arms.
oh my gosh. why does it have to fall apart like this?!
london seemed to be the perfect fit a little while ago. i could get two years in one, and be at acu with katelyn and nathan, and possibly wiley. i would be here and out in no time and back in the states at a wonderful college with my siblings and boyfriend.
now my sister is pregnant and getting married. shes dropping out of school. wiley has chosen to stay home for atleast a year and go to IUPUI. nathan may or may not be at abilene, no one really knows, hes so hard to get a hold of.
i probably cant go back to indiana in october cause of the high plane prices. atleast ill go back to wv in december.. and dad bought us tickets to fly to dallas in august!! what the heck?! ill have a month and a half with flippen nothing to do in stupid england! when i could be spending precious time, that i havent had since a year ago, with my boyfriend in indiana!!
what in the world?! ill see wiley in december for about a week. and if its even possible with the plane prices, maybe around april for two weeks. then im england till i fly to dallas for college in august!! and he'll be in indiana... ill be in texas. i wont see him! not until we could visit each other, but even at that we have to get settled into college first before we could think about roadtripping across the US.
im in so much pain. i cant stand being away from him anymore...
i would have rather stayed in indiana, gone to GCA my last two years, he would have gone to IUPUI and we would be in the same state still my senior year, then i would go to ACU, katelyn wouldnt be there anyway with her kid, and nathan would have graduated by then even if he did decide to go. and wiley might have come with me after we had been a year apart in different colleges.
london is horrible. i cant stand it. i want to be home so badly. i just want to be with wiley and just lay in his arms.
oh my gosh. why does it have to fall apart like this?!
September 11, 2008
cycles
my days seem to play out in cycles.
i wake up. i am content. i go to school a little less than content, but alright nonetheless. i get more excited as school goes on, depending on what happens. i begin to get very happy on my walk home, seeing that i am done with classes for the day. i get home usually in a good mood. that mood begins to fade as the evening goes on. for whatever reason, i am not sure. but it never fails. my good mood leaves me. as it gets later and later i start to get more excited for that is when i usually talk to wiley. finally i talk to him, but then my mood begins to change again since i can barely ever talk to wiley because of connection problems somewhere along the line, it never fails to have a problem somehow. but, if i have a successfull conversation with wiley, then i am extremely happy, cannot stop smiling and go to sleep happy. lately though the texts havent gotten through, and the calls have been choppy and unaudible. then i begin to get depressed, angry, upset, you name it. every so often it gets as far as tears, then i just cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning content and start the cycle over again.
this is not the kind of life i want. its horrible. i used to be happy all the time, even when i didnt have much of a reason to be happy at all. i could find the good in things. but now, it seems like the only thing i want to do, and the only thing that can make me happy, i cant do! i just want to talk to wiley. just hearing his voice makes my day so much better.
i pray. i pray everyday while im walking to school. i pray every night for God to take away my sadness and pain.
i have my good spurts where i am happy for a while, and everything seems fine, and i accept the fact im in london and i know its only for a short while. i had thought i could go back to america soon, in october. i found an amazingly cheap plane ticket that fit perfectly into my schedule. i thought my breaks where different but now i dont think they are so i looked for another plane ticket and they were way more expensive and i couldnt even get a flight back to london in time. i wanted to be back for wileys graduation and i thought i ended school may 15. but it looks like i dont end till the end of may.. so i would miss his graduation. and we were supposed to get a phone line with free calling to the US anytime of day, but now that will take even longer than we thought. its so depressing. i dont want to tell wiley all of this yet because i dont want to upset him.. he still thinks im coming in october a week earlier, and that i can be there for his graduation. i dont know how to tell him i might not. it looks like i may not even be able to come in october if the plane tickets are so much more expensive and the schedules clash..
soon, im sure something good will happen.. ill talk to wiley for a while and be happy.. we'll get the phone line.. something. and ill be happy for a while, and i cant wait for that! i try to look forward to it and know it will come. but then i just go back into depression...
i want to get out of this cycle. but i dont know how.
11:31pm
--i think i refuse to accept that i can still be happy. i am just wallowing in this depression. even though i am willing to do whatever i can to get out of the pain.
why not?
i wake up. i am content. i go to school a little less than content, but alright nonetheless. i get more excited as school goes on, depending on what happens. i begin to get very happy on my walk home, seeing that i am done with classes for the day. i get home usually in a good mood. that mood begins to fade as the evening goes on. for whatever reason, i am not sure. but it never fails. my good mood leaves me. as it gets later and later i start to get more excited for that is when i usually talk to wiley. finally i talk to him, but then my mood begins to change again since i can barely ever talk to wiley because of connection problems somewhere along the line, it never fails to have a problem somehow. but, if i have a successfull conversation with wiley, then i am extremely happy, cannot stop smiling and go to sleep happy. lately though the texts havent gotten through, and the calls have been choppy and unaudible. then i begin to get depressed, angry, upset, you name it. every so often it gets as far as tears, then i just cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning content and start the cycle over again.
this is not the kind of life i want. its horrible. i used to be happy all the time, even when i didnt have much of a reason to be happy at all. i could find the good in things. but now, it seems like the only thing i want to do, and the only thing that can make me happy, i cant do! i just want to talk to wiley. just hearing his voice makes my day so much better.
i pray. i pray everyday while im walking to school. i pray every night for God to take away my sadness and pain.
i have my good spurts where i am happy for a while, and everything seems fine, and i accept the fact im in london and i know its only for a short while. i had thought i could go back to america soon, in october. i found an amazingly cheap plane ticket that fit perfectly into my schedule. i thought my breaks where different but now i dont think they are so i looked for another plane ticket and they were way more expensive and i couldnt even get a flight back to london in time. i wanted to be back for wileys graduation and i thought i ended school may 15. but it looks like i dont end till the end of may.. so i would miss his graduation. and we were supposed to get a phone line with free calling to the US anytime of day, but now that will take even longer than we thought. its so depressing. i dont want to tell wiley all of this yet because i dont want to upset him.. he still thinks im coming in october a week earlier, and that i can be there for his graduation. i dont know how to tell him i might not. it looks like i may not even be able to come in october if the plane tickets are so much more expensive and the schedules clash..
soon, im sure something good will happen.. ill talk to wiley for a while and be happy.. we'll get the phone line.. something. and ill be happy for a while, and i cant wait for that! i try to look forward to it and know it will come. but then i just go back into depression...
i want to get out of this cycle. but i dont know how.
11:31pm
--i think i refuse to accept that i can still be happy. i am just wallowing in this depression. even though i am willing to do whatever i can to get out of the pain.
why not?
September 10, 2008
mess
its not home.
i came downstairs and something familiar filled my nose. moms cooking. it smelled like home, but here felt the complete opposite. there are moments while im sitting on my bed that i hear a sound outside and i feel as though i am home, back in my old house with a gorgeous back yard, huge skies and sunny weather. i think for a moment, " oh i just love it here--" but before i can finish my thought i am hastely brought back to reality. my heart sinks as i realize i am not in my home, i am only here.
here is london. gloomy old london. i feel like i do not belong here. school is fine, the schedule and location is great which helps a lot. but the teachers seem to not genuinely care. the kids are not christians and i can tell. im tired of people cussing whenever they open their mouth.
i only enjoy church here, but when they sing, i feel like i cant sing along because i dont truely mean the words i am singing. i only joined in once after a marvelous speaker when i felt i couldnt hold it back and i had to sing!
this is NOT my home! i cant get over it. in the evenings it seems to get worse. i come home after school, slightly happy, but then it seems to go downhill from there. i have school the next day. i want to be at home. i miss my friends. school will be hard. tonight was the worst. i finally got a desk for my room. i was so excited! i put it together right after school, but as soon as i finished it i wasnt excited anymore. i was in a horrible mood. all i wanted to do was talk to wiley. i missed him terribly. i didnt understand why i couldnt be happy about my new desk i put together on my own!
i try to talk to friends. but it seems every way i try theres a problem. i can text for free on yahoo, but it restarts all the time and i dont recieve texts after that. facebook chat has worked horribly ever since i got here. i cannot text or call america from any cell phone/plan i could possibly get. to night we were supposed to get a landline phone that can call america for free anytime, but we cant until later now for some reason. that definitely made my night even worse.
my feelings. are a mess. like my life.
i came downstairs and something familiar filled my nose. moms cooking. it smelled like home, but here felt the complete opposite. there are moments while im sitting on my bed that i hear a sound outside and i feel as though i am home, back in my old house with a gorgeous back yard, huge skies and sunny weather. i think for a moment, " oh i just love it here--" but before i can finish my thought i am hastely brought back to reality. my heart sinks as i realize i am not in my home, i am only here.
here is london. gloomy old london. i feel like i do not belong here. school is fine, the schedule and location is great which helps a lot. but the teachers seem to not genuinely care. the kids are not christians and i can tell. im tired of people cussing whenever they open their mouth.
i only enjoy church here, but when they sing, i feel like i cant sing along because i dont truely mean the words i am singing. i only joined in once after a marvelous speaker when i felt i couldnt hold it back and i had to sing!
this is NOT my home! i cant get over it. in the evenings it seems to get worse. i come home after school, slightly happy, but then it seems to go downhill from there. i have school the next day. i want to be at home. i miss my friends. school will be hard. tonight was the worst. i finally got a desk for my room. i was so excited! i put it together right after school, but as soon as i finished it i wasnt excited anymore. i was in a horrible mood. all i wanted to do was talk to wiley. i missed him terribly. i didnt understand why i couldnt be happy about my new desk i put together on my own!
i try to talk to friends. but it seems every way i try theres a problem. i can text for free on yahoo, but it restarts all the time and i dont recieve texts after that. facebook chat has worked horribly ever since i got here. i cannot text or call america from any cell phone/plan i could possibly get. to night we were supposed to get a landline phone that can call america for free anytime, but we cant until later now for some reason. that definitely made my night even worse.
my feelings. are a mess. like my life.
September 5, 2008
home
im ready to come home!
i cant stand it anymore. ive been in london for 41 days now. 6 weeks. a little more than a month. i want to be home. im tired of not being with my friends. im sick of being away from my boyfriend. i want nothing more than to just be in his arms right now and feel the warmth of his body against mine. i want to be back at gca with the great teachers who actually care, and the kids who are nice and friendly. i went to my new schools induction. sure the teachers were nice, it just didnt seem like they genuinely cared. with the kids, it was like every man for himself and stay away from confrontation as much as possible. yes. its a public school. i know. i have no desire to be with the group of kids i will be in my classes with. not that i am better than them. but last year they chose to goof off which is why they are in these classes. im only here because of the difference in schools. i choose differently than they do. i dont want to hang around them and let my standards be lowered. i will be truely content if i just went to school, came home, studied, and left. with no friends theres no distractions here, which would make my grade better. i am perfectly fine with that. i have always done fine on my own. ive never chosen to be like that, but if i am in a situation where i am by myself i can do just fine. it doesnt bother me. and ive always had friends though, which is wonderful because all my friends are amazing, godly, and christian kids. they are who i choose to surround myself with. and now im choosing to focus on my school work, not making friends. that doesnt bother me. some people cant do without friends. i can. i still have friends in america, of course. but im saying, unless they are godly kids, i dont need friends at school here. i see them as distractions. i want to get a good grade on my ACT. i want to go to abilene.
another thing here is, its london. ive never really had a desire to be in london. sure, its neat. the whole europe thing, but ive never wanted to come here actually. big ben, ifle tower and so on.. they dont seem that interesting to me. its neat to get to seem them but like i said they just dont interest me. every weekend we go sight seeing. honestly i could care less. mom and dad ask me where i want to go, and i say i dont care, because i dont! i know we are in london and we should see all this stuff, but i have no desire to! if we were in austraila or new zealand, the places i actually would want to be other than america, then yes, i would love to go sight seeing and go out somewhere every weekend.. but not here.
and our money problems. it makes me sick. because the only things i actually want to do are so expensive! all i want it just to go back to america. ive planned two times. in october, and in april. but the plane tickets are expensive! but its the only thing i could possibly want right now!! and i feel horrible because we just arent in a great situation with money right now.. but i cant stand not going back. ive been doing alright lately with being here but these past few days i am just sick of it again. i miss home. my parents are trying to help me by getting me stuff to make my room nicer, but i dont care.. id rather use that money to use on a plane ticket. i feel bad because they just want me to be happier, but it seems the only way i could be happier is if i go home. i dont want them to waste money on something i dont really want. and i feel bad asking about going home because it is so expensive but i cant stand staying here so long.
i dont know what to do. i pray. it helps.
but i miss home..
i cant stand it anymore. ive been in london for 41 days now. 6 weeks. a little more than a month. i want to be home. im tired of not being with my friends. im sick of being away from my boyfriend. i want nothing more than to just be in his arms right now and feel the warmth of his body against mine. i want to be back at gca with the great teachers who actually care, and the kids who are nice and friendly. i went to my new schools induction. sure the teachers were nice, it just didnt seem like they genuinely cared. with the kids, it was like every man for himself and stay away from confrontation as much as possible. yes. its a public school. i know. i have no desire to be with the group of kids i will be in my classes with. not that i am better than them. but last year they chose to goof off which is why they are in these classes. im only here because of the difference in schools. i choose differently than they do. i dont want to hang around them and let my standards be lowered. i will be truely content if i just went to school, came home, studied, and left. with no friends theres no distractions here, which would make my grade better. i am perfectly fine with that. i have always done fine on my own. ive never chosen to be like that, but if i am in a situation where i am by myself i can do just fine. it doesnt bother me. and ive always had friends though, which is wonderful because all my friends are amazing, godly, and christian kids. they are who i choose to surround myself with. and now im choosing to focus on my school work, not making friends. that doesnt bother me. some people cant do without friends. i can. i still have friends in america, of course. but im saying, unless they are godly kids, i dont need friends at school here. i see them as distractions. i want to get a good grade on my ACT. i want to go to abilene.
another thing here is, its london. ive never really had a desire to be in london. sure, its neat. the whole europe thing, but ive never wanted to come here actually. big ben, ifle tower and so on.. they dont seem that interesting to me. its neat to get to seem them but like i said they just dont interest me. every weekend we go sight seeing. honestly i could care less. mom and dad ask me where i want to go, and i say i dont care, because i dont! i know we are in london and we should see all this stuff, but i have no desire to! if we were in austraila or new zealand, the places i actually would want to be other than america, then yes, i would love to go sight seeing and go out somewhere every weekend.. but not here.
and our money problems. it makes me sick. because the only things i actually want to do are so expensive! all i want it just to go back to america. ive planned two times. in october, and in april. but the plane tickets are expensive! but its the only thing i could possibly want right now!! and i feel horrible because we just arent in a great situation with money right now.. but i cant stand not going back. ive been doing alright lately with being here but these past few days i am just sick of it again. i miss home. my parents are trying to help me by getting me stuff to make my room nicer, but i dont care.. id rather use that money to use on a plane ticket. i feel bad because they just want me to be happier, but it seems the only way i could be happier is if i go home. i dont want them to waste money on something i dont really want. and i feel bad asking about going home because it is so expensive but i cant stand staying here so long.
i dont know what to do. i pray. it helps.
but i miss home..
September 3, 2008
blahblahblahblah
i am so nervous.
tomorrow morning i walk to ealing college, my new school, to get inducted for all my classes. i start school on monday. im going alone. i know no one. im in a different country. im so scared! it takes about 30 min. to walk to school. i just dont know what to expect. its practically a public school.. ive never been to a public school. i just want to get in, do my work, do good, and get out and go home!! i just want this to be over with. :( im scared of the kids there. girls scare me. they're mean. i know ill make friends. but id rather just do my work and be done. im not looking for any deep relationships cause ill be gone by next summer anyway. i know all this will help me with college, ill be on my own and stuff. but im still so nervous. im doing a program with kids whove failed.. i dont know what kind of crowd that will put me in. i want to visit home as much as possible, but mom always hints i cant because its so expensive. ive only planned to go back twice! and even at that she still says "well you dont know that!" I WANT TO BE HOME! just 2 round-trip plane tickets! i dont care if i dont buy anything else for the rest of the year, i just want to go home... it just makes me so upset when im told i cant go home...
tomorrow morning i walk to ealing college, my new school, to get inducted for all my classes. i start school on monday. im going alone. i know no one. im in a different country. im so scared! it takes about 30 min. to walk to school. i just dont know what to expect. its practically a public school.. ive never been to a public school. i just want to get in, do my work, do good, and get out and go home!! i just want this to be over with. :( im scared of the kids there. girls scare me. they're mean. i know ill make friends. but id rather just do my work and be done. im not looking for any deep relationships cause ill be gone by next summer anyway. i know all this will help me with college, ill be on my own and stuff. but im still so nervous. im doing a program with kids whove failed.. i dont know what kind of crowd that will put me in. i want to visit home as much as possible, but mom always hints i cant because its so expensive. ive only planned to go back twice! and even at that she still says "well you dont know that!" I WANT TO BE HOME! just 2 round-trip plane tickets! i dont care if i dont buy anything else for the rest of the year, i just want to go home... it just makes me so upset when im told i cant go home...
September 1, 2008
college
col·lege–n | 1. | an institution of higher learning, esp. one providing a general or liberal arts education rather than technical or professional training. |
| 2. | a constituent unit of a university, furnishing courses of instruction in the liberal arts and sciences, usually leading to a bachelor's degree. |
| 3. | an institution for vocational, technical, or professional instruction, as in medicine, pharmacy, agriculture, or music, often a part of a university. |
| 4. | an endowed, self-governing association of scholars incorporated within a university, as at the universities of Oxford and Cambridge in England. |
| 5. | a similar corporation outside a university. |
| 6. | the building or buildings occupied by an institution of higher education. |
| 7. | the administrators, faculty, and students of a college. |
| 8. | (in Britain and Canada) a private secondary school. |
So next monday i start college.
well atleast thats what they call it in london. here is my current school situation. in london their highschool lasts till 10th grade. then they take their GCSE to get into college, which is for two years before you go to university. we didnt know that. we thought that college was equal to our 11th and 12th grades. evidently not. we were led to believe that till we applied at ealing college. there they asked for my highschool diploma. of course, i didnt have one. they wondered why and we showed them my grades were all A's and B's. "Oh. those are good." they said. but i still would need a diploma to be educated enough to do their AS/AS2 levels. (which is their college) so.. back to highschool? no, i cant do that because my grades are too good. what now? im stuck in the middle. go back to highschool and i repeat stuff i dont need or go to college where i cant even compare. luckily there was a GCSE resit program. where kids who didnt do well enough on their GCSE could redo a year of studying to get into college. they had two programs. one was science, and had biology, chemistry, physics, english, math, and ICT. the other was medai, and had humanities, media, photography, english, math, and something else i forget. i would like to get into art things, but since i am pretty much losing my junior year which ironicly is the most important year in highschool, i needed things to help me into college more than what i would like to get into. (since i can go into more artsy things in college back in america) my original plan anyway had been to go here for a year and then take my ACT and skip my senior year to go to college at ACU with my sister. so since i want into college and most the since i need are science related since i had all my history, i decided to go for the science GCSE. i had to test to see if i was ready to take the courses. now, chemistry i had last year.. i havent had biology because of the difference in school from WCCS and GCA and i would have taken physics this year if i had stayed at GCA. i had already taken the english and math tests and they said i did just wonderfully on both of them. now i had to test on two sciences i had never had before and one that i had had before, but was very hard either way. i took the tests and they came back and said i had passed. whew! i just took tests on two subjects i had never had before and PASSED! oh my. amazing. so im pretty sure God was working through all of this. :) not a doubt in my mind. since this course is only a one year thing then its pretty much mapped out ill be going to college next year. of course i still have to do good on my ACT and have ACU accept me. but im pretty sure if God made this london school work out, and he wants me to be at ACU, then ill do good and get accepted.
anyway. im going to college. how crazy? im stinkin nervous. therell be tons of kids there. i just dont know what to expect. but im sure ill do fine. i have a week break in october, which i plan to come back to indiana for. then i have a two week break in december and the browns will come over to england for christmas hopefully. i have a week break in february which i will probably just stay here for, then a two week break in april when i want to go back to indiana and maybe if the dates are right go to prom with wiley. :) but after that i only have two days off till july 3rd... crazy. but ill come back after july 3rd and probably leave for abilene around the 15 or 16 of august. whew! crazy. sadly im going to miss wileys graduation..
but hopefully this year will go fast and ill be home again.
there are moments when im in my room and i hear something outside and for a split second i feel like im back indiana again in our nice little house, but then i realize that im only in london.. an ocean away from my home.. i get so happy but the feeling is crushed.
i am doing much better about living here though. im getting used to it and ive accepted that i have to live here now. ive grown accostumed to it here. i still dont like it. i wont ever. i understand everything, that i have to stay here and i will make friends and will have a good time. i know all that. but i would rather be at home. i would rather be with the friends i already have. i know ill make friends, im not scared i wont. i will. but to only have then for a year? not even that much. thats hard. its almost pointless.. theyd be more like aquaintences. i want to visit home, but the lady said i shouldnt miss school. and anyway, with it being to expensive... its hard. i dont know. this is hard. but ill make it.
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